We are strong-willed people, my husband and I. And we are not timid about sharing our opinions. So, when Gary Oliver taught us the Rate It Method for resolving conflict, it was a game changer in the Merrill household. (click to tweet) Gary Oliver is not just a psychologist, he is a man with a wife and children. He knows how things go down in a house full of personality. The big difference is he is a Doctor who knows how to study a family dynamic and form solutions for relational optimization (we obviously don’t)!
Gary’s theory is that there is a lot of misunderstanding that usually precedes an argument and if you can head that off you will douse the flames before they ignite. Here is how it works…
1. The conflict arises – A decision or situation presents itself and it appears that there are opposing opinions.
2. The choices are clarified – One person must state what their choice would be and then the other states theirs.
3. The choices are rated – Each person states how important this decision is to them based on a scale of 1-10 and why they gave it that rating.
4. A compromise is made – A decision is made giving deference to the person for whom the matter is of the most importance.
This method works well to dispel illusions of importance. For example, you receive $500 from your parents for your anniversary. He wants to buy a TV and you want to buy a couch. You explain that the couch is so dirty and lumpy you can’t enjoy sitting on it and you are embarrassed when you have your friends over. It has gotten so bad that it is a nine in importance for you. The TV on the other hand is not embarrassing and works well, it’s just small. He explains that his friends don’t care about the couch but games would look better on a bigger TV so it is a seven for him. So, in this case, he concedes and hopefully you help him save for a TV.
A couple of rules:
- Everything cannot be a ten to you. That is not fair. Remember you love each other and love is sacrificial.
- When you compromise try to look for solutions that give a little something to each side.
- Express clearly why you feel so strongly, it is the key to understanding and the basis for the other person to defer.
